"Babe, you are a stone . Now whatever you're doing and put on something because we're going tonight."
Of course, you'll probably get a response somewhere along the lines of "", but kudos for creativity.
She brought you into this world, now show her some love. And remember, "Mom I can't talk, my hands are full of groceries" is no longer an acceptable excuse.
Did you hear about their bathroom selfie right before Pablo hit the stage in Miami last week? Of course you didn't. Until today, you've been too busy trying to make it ten blocks home with 24 rolls of Bounty.
You probably don't remember why you have 25 open tabs in the first place, including Michael Keaton's IMDB page, spoilers for the next Spiderman movie, and the Wikipedia page on Wikipedia.
But at this point, you can probably take the time to exit out of them without missing out on anything important.
Itches are no match for a man or woman who has BOTH hands free! So scratch that itch that's been bothering you all day. And as you bask in that sweet, sweet relief, maybe you'll have earned some sympathy for what your cat went through after you got her spayed.
Unread texts? Done.
Unheard voicemails? Done.
Unsent emails? Done.
All done. And without putting your bags down for a single second. Boom.
Who's got two hands, a Snorlax and is currently killing it in Pokemon Go? You. #goteamvalor*
* Apologies to Team Mystic if that was out of line. If you are seriously offended, maybe we can work out a complimentary blue Grocery Gripp. But we don't have any yellow ones - guess you're out of luck, Team Instinct.
You've just gone shopping and restocked on wine, olive oil and avocados. So why not use your newly freed hands to look up some recipes and put those ingredients to good use?
But first take the time to seriously examine your life and why you're even subscribed to "Baroque Theatre & K-Pop Enthusiasts Monthly" in the first place.
On second thought, never mind that. Just keep clicking unsubscribe buttons until you've made spam a thing of the past.
If you can hit 15,000 points in half a minute then you probably aren't human and you shouldn't even be carrying groceries. Either that or you are a human augmented with a hands-free bag carrier that allows your fingers to move at lightning-fast speeds. One or the other.
Seriously, they have resorts in tree house villages! And with the money you're saving by buying in bulk, there's a good chance you can start saving up for it.
You're probably one of those people who's sick of hearing about Stranger Things and how awesome it is. Well, you know how you can fix that?
WATCH STRANGER THINGS. Seriously. It's amazing.
Or, at the very least, put your free hands to good use and add it to your Netflix queue so it'll be waiting for you when you get home.
There are few things in life that can't be made better by looking at cute, funny pictures of animals. So take a moment for you and head over to I Can Has Cheezburger? for some of the most hilarious and adorable animal memes currently floating around the Web.
Let's face it: you're shamefully behind on the times. Your one and only source of news is Facebook, and who has time to mess with Facebook while they're lugging home two dozen grocery bags during rush hour?
So, take this opportunity to learn something about the world that you may have missed. Did you know there was an attempted coup in Turkey? Or that the US took home 46 gold medals in the summer Olympics? There's also a presidential election going on... but we're not going to touch upon that.
Now that you're a know-it-all on all current affairs, feel free to let the Internet know exactly how much knowledgable you are and why your opinions are so profoundly legitimate. Who knows? Your righteous pontification about important issues might actually enlighten a few people.
And be sure to let us know what you think of your new Grocery Gripp! Tweet us @grocerygripps!